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Topic: drama at kid's school that may have escalated  (Read 1129 times)

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spinal tap

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So my 3rd grader is going through what I thought was little girls drama at school where she and a few others were accused of being bullies.  The accuser is one of the most manipulative little kids I've ever seen.  I think she comes from a broken home and her grandmother is the majority caregiver.  Grandma has also proven to be a fierce but blind advocate for her granddaughter. 

My wife and I didn't think much of all this and chalked it up to little girl drama that they will soon grow out of, but my little girl reported an incident from Friday morning that may have escalated everything.

My daughter was walking with a friend to turn in some homework before school started, and the grandmother of one of their classmates swung a rolling backpack at them.  While my kid was not in the arc of the bag, her friend was but she stuck her foot out in an attempt to jump it but the food ended up blocking the bag.  The grandma yelled "HEY WATCH IT"

I offered reasons for why the bag may have swung towards them like she saw someone and turned quickly...etc but my daughter was pretty sure it was on purpose. The other girl's mom called this grandma up to demand and explanation and grandma denied even seeing our kids that day. 

I video'd my kid telling me the details of the events for the first time because you just can tell when kids are telling the truth/facts through body language and cadence and flow of speaking. 

Obviously now I can't view this as kids being kids anymore.  I also don't know if I have to go to the cops or CPS just yet.  I'd like to give the school administration an opportunity to demonstrate they're serious about protecting all kids.

Thanks for listening.  Any helpful input appreciated.

Nate


Igor

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You need to have meeting with room teacher and principal - don't let it go far.
You are in very hard situation:
1. Definitely grandma could not attack kids, you have witnesses.
2. Bulling is hard part that parents have to deal with. You need to talk to your daughter seriously about it. Unfortunately,  you cannot let it go themselves.

Don't waist your time contact school asap, requesting meeting 1st plus #1 it's your advantage.
Also talk to your daughter about bulling ...

Good luck


crash

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Can your daughter beat the girl in a fight?

With all the emphasis on bullying and bully prevention, the best way to handle a bully hasn't changed since we were kids. Make them bleed, they will move on to easier prey.

Your kid will get suspended in the mean time because of zero tolerance policies, but that's ok. Take her to somewhere special to serve out her time.

Schools are in a difficult position, especially when it comes to kids that are already in a nontraditional placement. There are a number of steps that the county education department has to go through to accommodate these kids. There are inordinate resources spent on a select few.

Unfortunately, I speak from experience. When my oldest daughter was in kindergarten she was the target of a bully. He had special help, an IEP that called for a 1 on 1 aide to stay with him at school at all times, was from a broken home, the whole nine yards. At the time, my kid couldn't walk without tripping on her own feet, let alone bloody a boy twice her size.

We talked to the school. We talked to the teacher, the principal, and anyone who would listen. It didn't help. We enrolled her in jujitsu. That helped. It gave her the confidence and motor skills to stand up for herself, but it took a couple of very hard years. Today she is in the fourth grade, has a purple belt and is excited to be working toward her blue belt, and has no trouble from bullies. She also has a green light to defend herself with force.


As for grandma, CWS isn't going to help you. A police report for the assault might not be a bad idea, but I wouldn't expect that to yield immediate results either.   At best it establishes a data point in case there are future problems with the grandma at the school. The bully clearly gets her cues from grandma, and the poor kid probably doesn't have much of a chance in life if that's her situation, but you can't fix that. You can just protect your daughter, and giving her the means to protect herself and the knowledge that you have her back even if the school takes disciplinary action against her is the best course imo.

Tough spot.
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masterandahound

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Here's my input for what its worth ...

A) fair or unjust, once a child is labeled a bully, it can be a hard label to kick. Im sorry to hear that your daughter is having to deal with this. However, most parents dont realize that teachers and administrative staff generally have a solid pulse of what's going on in their school. They know their student's individual personalities and tendencies, they know who gets along with who, and they know what incidents occur on campus. Just because someone says your child is a bully, if your child in reality gets along/isn't a troublemaker, teachers will see this and the label is squashed.

B) the details of the incident with the backpack are just too vague and there are too many ways to explain it away as simply incidental. If you dont have other parents who saw the action and are certain that it was intentional, its a hard sell.  However, while this isn't a smoking gun against the grandma, it can be an initial piece to establish a pattern which is a significant thing.

C) parents of children who are involved in school incidents should NEVER DIRECTLY CONTACT EACH OTHER OR EACH OTHER'S CHILDREN !!! I cannot stress this enough and this is a red flag for administrators.This will almost automatically paint you and your child as the troublemaker. This goes for the grandma who is interacting with your daughter and her friends as well as your daughter's friend's mother who contacted the grandma directly. This is a major no-no.

D) as Crash said, the very first step should have been to set up a meeting with the principal immediately. It begins a paper trail and it lets the school staff know that you are aware of these things that have been going on and are concerned for your daughter's welfare. As I said earlier, if more incidents occur(hopefully they won't) in the future, you have established a pattern with the grandma. This is definitely not a CPS/police matter at this point.

Hope this provides a little help.
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Tote

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Had a somewhat similar experience when CHUB was in grade school.
Been so long ago I don't remember the specifics but CHUBs glasses got broken and CHUBs mom was seeking restitution.
I always told my son; if you start a fight you will have to answer to me and you won't like what happens. You also have my express consent to end a fight should someone else start it; meaning he was nobody's doormat.
That's basically what happened, but there are of course two sides to every story.
The mother of the other kid was an obnoxious "B" who had no idea how to carry on a civil  conversation.
Long story short, the parents and kids were to meet in the parking lot of the school at 8PM on a Sunday night.
Well, I know what that means, but I agreed anyway.
There was no politeness from the other parents at all right out of the gate.
The dad was standing there, chest puffed out, the mom was kind of egging things on...I was humored.
Bottom line; CHUB decked this kid.
When I saw the size of the kid compared to CHUB I was immediately a proud poppa. The kid had CHUB outweighed by a good 40 lbs, and this was in, I think, the 5th grade.
I said to the parents, "Look, the kids got into a fight. I'm no stranger to fighting as I've been a martial arts instructor for over 25 years. Let's find out what really happened, OK?"
WOW! Amazingly the puffed chest sunk down and mom started to actually talk instead of yell. I guess they realized by my calm demeanor and what I had just said to them that there was no way they were going to intimidate me or bully me in any way.
Come to find out, the big kid started it. CHUB defended himself. They paid for the glasses on the spot.
The parents actually apologized but OH MAN was that kid taking a rash of $#!T as they were getting into their car.
The best advise I can give is to have everyone talk it out. If you can have the kids, civilly act out what may have happened, maybe you  can all find out what started the problem.
People have a natural tendency to take their kids word for things when it comes to problems with another child.
If everyone can get to the bottom of what actually happened for things to escalate to this point, and there is no doubt as to who the actual perpetrator is, it will help to resolve things.
I'm no psychologist. I just play one here on NCKA.... :smt044
Good luck. I hope it all works out for everyone.


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Danglin

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Cover your behind…

the best defense is a good Offense…  take action… and good input here on these post
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spinal tap

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The major concern here is the grandma has escalated the drama by seemingly physically attacking children.  The conflict between the kids has been social. 

In this incident, my daughter is a witness, but if she were walking closest to the grandma instead of her friend then I wonder if she would have been dodging flying backpacks. 

A recent example of how my daughter has been accused of being a bully:

She and two friends are playing during lunch.  The accuser asks if she can play with them and they agree she can (this school has a no excluding policy).  She then proceeds to dictate to them a new game she wants to play, to which my daughter balks along with the other two girls.  The accuser starts crying (something she's mastered) and tells a teacher that my daughter is bullying her by excluding her.  My daughter goes to see the counselor. 

Apparently last year my kid saw the counselor alot. 

All the accuser's friends from last year no long want to play with her.  They all play with my daughter.  I suspect that's why she is targeting my daughter.  That girl has a few new friends this year, and those new friends are now going to see the counselor. 

We've requested a meeting with the counselor and the director of the school. 


Fiver

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Good advice here so far. Make sure the school documents each incident ( especially if this does seem to be a pattern with the grandmother).  A written paper trail is the best way to prove there is an issue and hopefully ( but I bet unlikely) get some action from the school administrators.  Hopefully it doesn't escalate any further for you guys.

Not that it applies to this situation, but it would be great to also enroll your daughter in some sort of martial art/self defense class.   Not only does it promote self defense, but discipline, coordination, and self esteem as well.  This and swimming are two things that I am making mandatory learning for my kids.


Tote

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I remember back in the day 'seeing the counselor' meant bend over, grab your ankles and then WHACK!, end of visit.
Seemed to work pretty well back then.
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&

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Don't take it into your own hands.  You aren't as pretty as Delia Garcia bratcher, and yes that makes all the difference.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/05/19/sheriff-official-california-mom-accused-attacking-bully-may-have-targeted-wrong/

Why not make a counter allegation that paints the lil skank in the worst light?  If the teachers or counselors are looking for bad behavior, they'll find it in most any kid, especially if you bias the observation by suggesting the prevalence.

If you want lawyer up at a meeting, I'll go with you. I used to be a public school teacher (scary thought lol) You'll get different treatment when you show up with counsel. Beleeeeeeve dat $hit. Let me know n I'll get my suits back from the cleaners.

~~~~~~

Hateful Behavior at School

TODAY, bullying behaviors at school are recognized as dangerous and harmful acts that victimize the targeted student and by- standers. Bullying can no longer be dismissed as harmless teasing or as a normal yet undesirable behavior. Rather, bullying is a pat- tern of deliberate, negative, hurtful, aggressive acts that works to shift the balance of physical, emotional, or social power.

Behavior motivated by bias or hate is similar to bullying and is intended to cause emotional suffering, physical injury, or property damage through intimidation, harassment, bigoted slurs or epi- thets, force or threat of force, or vandalism. Hateful or biased be- havior is motivated in part or in whole by hostility toward a person’s real or perceived race, nationality, religion, disability, gen- der, or sexual orientation. (Education Code sections 200, 220, 233, and 48900.3 describe policies and intent specific to hate-motivated vio- lence. Penal Code sections 422.6, 422.7, 422.75, 422.8, 422.9, 422.95, and 628 define what constitutes hate-motivated crimes.)

The responsibility to establish the school environment lies with the entire school community. The environment evolves from the ideals, policies, practices, and administration of the school. Educa- tion Code Section 35294 et seq. requires each school to develop and implement a School Safety Plan as a part of its overall local educa- tion plan and to revisit the plan annually and amend it as needed. The first step in the planning process, as described in Safe Schools: A Planning Guide for Action, is to gather a planning committee that actively involves school administrators, teachers, students, and par- ents.4 Community service and civic organizations also have impor- tant roles as providers and resources to the school.


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When I was being bullied in grade school, I used to stand next to a wall. When the kid swung at me and missed, he would bloody his hand against the brick wall.  :smt005 Never bothered me again after that.


crash

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Wait a sec.

Spinal tap-

Kids A, B and C are playing a game. Kid D comes up and asks to join. If A, B and C refuse then the school considers that bullying?

Is that right?
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barefoot1

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Chattich has this right.  Follow his advice.  I dealt with this shit for the last 20 years as a principal.  It is all grey area.  Cover your ass and build your case with a paper trail.
« Last Edit: October 25, 2014, 08:58:52 PM by barefoot1 »
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spinal tap

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Wait a sec.

Spinal tap-

Kids A, B and C are playing a game. Kid D comes up and asks to join. If A, B and C refuse then the school considers that bullying?

Is that right?

Pretty much, but not quite that black and white.  They can't refuse to allow D to join in to play.  If they do then they go to speak with an adult.  The adult will probably say that if they refuse to let D join then they can't play that game. 


novofish

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If the bad behavior continues tell the school administration that you are going go straight to the local news station with some juicy bullying news involving their school/teachers/admins. That might get some attention to your kids plight.
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